


I Don't Understand, You've Already Gone

by alilyinhighgarden



Series: When You Get This Close, You Can Feel The Heat [5]
Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post- 10/18/18 RAW, Sexual Acts Briefly Mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 12:23:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16367720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alilyinhighgarden/pseuds/alilyinhighgarden
Summary: “I’m sorry,” Seth blurted out.“What” Dean asked in an emotion Seth could not decipher from the single syllable.“For the shit I said to you tonight.” From the sliver of light he could see Dean looking at him for the first time since Seth was inside of him earlier, but he did not say anything. Seth took the silence as a sign to continue. “I’ve been worried this past week and just- I got desperate so I said a bunch of shit I shouldn’t have.” He reached out and grabbed onto Dean’s wrist. “I didn’t mean it.---What could Seth do when the answers were not clear, the road ahead is weaving, and everything feels like it could crumble around him?Set after the 10/18/18 episode of RAW





	I Don't Understand, You've Already Gone

Light from the street peered through the crack in the curtains, letting in just enough amber glow to allow Seth to see in the darkness. Usually he would be asleep but tonight rest eluded him, as it had every night for the last week. 

Every day he had pathetically kept his phone on him any moment it was possible. The object weighed heavy in his back pocket, ringer on a high volume when it typically was set to vibrate. Each time he heard the familiar music scream out his hopes would rise only to deflate when the name on the screen was not Dean’s. Every day he would make a call of his own. Every day he heard four rings and then voicemail. At that point he would immediately hang up. He had left his message before heading home last Monday. Seth was not sure that Dean ever checked his voicemails but if he had not returned that one it seemed pointless to leave another one, or two, or five. 

When he arrived at the show earlier that night and realized that Dean was not at the arena he felt the rope that had coiled in his stomach twist into a complicated knot. He knew that Dean had worked the shows with Roman that weekend but here they were at RAW and not a single turned corner revealed his presence. He had put on a facade for Braun and his sidekicks but inside he was freaking out. When Dean  _ did _ show up during his match he was relieved, both because he won and also because Dean was by his side for the first time since their tag match. It was a moment of happiness. So of course the evening had to go to shit after that. 

The moment that plagued him the most was when he was standing in the ring watching Dean walk away. He was tired of staring at his retreating back. It was a sight that had grown too familiar recently and was obviously a tactic that had not led to a solution. He needed to do  _ something _ so he went with trying to provoke. At least if Dean was shouting he was still  _ there _ and paying attention to Seth rather than pulling into himself. But Seth had gone too far. 

He kept replaying his words on loop. Saying that Dean was a lunatic. That he had lost it. Taking the few things that he  _ had _ managed to glean from Dean’s words and throwing them back in his face. It was not one of his shining moments. Unfortunately for Seth it was just the latest entry on a long list of not shining moments. 

After the show Dean had not wanted to talk and rather than push the issue, push Dean for answers, Seth had opted instead to push him up against the door of their hotel room the moment it closed. When Dean hissed as Seth nipped at his neck it was not words. Dean’s moans as Seth dropped to his knees and took him into his mouth were not words. When filthy exclamations passed over Dean’s lips as Seth fucked him hard and desperate, well those were words but not coherent ones. But at least all of it allowed him to feel connected to Dean again. Confirmed that there was at least something he could do that was right, even if it was only for a few fleeting moments. And at least if their mouths and minds were occupied Seth did not have to think about what was not being said. 

As soon as they were done and cleaned up Dean turned to his side to go to sleep. Also not words but it made a clear statement. He was laying as far away from Seth as he possibly could. It felt like a daunting physical representation of the situation they found themselves in. Momentarily connected only to be greeted by purposeful distance. 

He was not sure how long he had laid there in the silence but it finally became too much. Seth pushed himself onto his elbow and reached for Dean’s shoulder. “Hey,” he said in a croaky voice, “Hey, wake up.”

“What,” Dean mumbled out, still sounding asleep. 

“I need to talk to you.”   
  
Dean let out a heavy sigh and rolled onto his back. “What,” he repeated again, this time clearer and harsher. 

“I’m sorry,” Seth blurted out.   
  
“ _ What, _ ” Dean asked for a third time in an emotion Seth could not decipher from the single syllable.

“For the shit I said to you tonight.” From the sliver of light he could see Dean looking at him for the first time since Seth was inside of him earlier, but he did not say anything. Seth took the silence as a sign to continue. “I’ve been worried this past week and just- I got desperate so I said a bunch of shit I shouldn’t have.” He reached out and grabbed onto Dean’s wrist. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Then why say it?” His brows pulled together so intensely it was obscuring his eyes.   


“I said what I could think of to get you to yell at me.” It was not a good reason to push the buttons that he did but it was the truth. 

Dean grimaced, “Why’d you want that?”

“Because at least then you’d be talking to me. Even if it was because you were pissed off.”

That’s when Seth caught an emotion pass on Dean’s face that that had grown too familiar. It was distant and frustrated and worried. God Seth wish he knew how to banish that expression for good but he didn’t. So instead he fell into the habit of silence, head on his pillow as he studied Dean in the dark. 

“I’m sorry.” Dean sounded almost as surprised to be saying the words as Seth was to hear them.

“For what?” It’s not that Seth did not think he deserved an apology. There should be a whole round of them going around after tonight. But he needed to know  _ why _ Dean thought he should apologize. He needed words to put with what was going on. It was impossible to find a solution if he did not know what the fuck the question was.

Dean was quiet for awhile and Seth wondered if he had fallen back asleep. Finally he said, “I don’t know.” It comes out in a hushed, defeated croak. 

Seth took a deep breathe, about to launch on some monologue that he was not even sure the opening line to but Dean cut him off before he could start. “Just- don’t Seth.” And just like that Dean rolled onto his side, once again turning his back on him. Once again pulling away.

And it is there, staring at the points where Dean’s spine pressed up against his skin, that Seth slid from the panic that had consumed him this whole week into a soul crushing assuredness. He was going to lose Dean. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, or in the next month, but definitely sooner rather than later. Since Dean’s return they had been racing down the highway toward the finishing line of everything Seth held dear. He had been blind to it at first and struggled to stop it after that but he had never been good at fixing problems for the long term. The reality of it weighed down on his chest and he felt like he could not breathe. Could not move. The room felt like it was closing in on him, life felt like it was closing in on him, and all he could do was accept it as reality. 

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently today is the day I just post the episode tags that were sitting in my WIPs folder. 
> 
> Title is from "Leave" from Once: The Musical


End file.
